"There is no more beautiful musical instrument than the voice of Nancy LaMott."
-- Bob Harrington, circa 1991.

"I never talk about my personal life. I don't even discuss it with the person I'm dating."
-- Maureen Dowd, as quoted by Liz Smith in the New York Post.

"Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon."
-- Tommy Lasorda

"I really don't want to eat fish anymore."
-- Ellen DeGeneres, in today's New York Post.

"But the people now running America aren't conservatives: they're radicals who want to do away with the social and economic system we have, and the fiscal crisis they are concocting may give them the excuse they need... when will the public wake up?"
-- Paul Krugman, Op-Ed piece, The New York Times

"A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep."
-- Unknown

"God is a comedian who is playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh."
-- Voltaire

“Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare”.
-- Japanese Proverb

"Was I too young for a snake pit like that? Maybe... I certainly have health problems, which probably led to me having to kill Jayson Blair, the journalist."
-- Jayson Blair, as quoted in the New York Post.

"Sailors still join the navy to see the world, and the world starts at New York City.”
-- Navy Captain Jim Ratte, who organized Fleet Week.

"You knew what an awful girl I was when you married me!"
-- Elizabeth Taylor, in Giant, 1956.

"I'd like ta kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."
-- Bette Davis, as Madge in Cabin in the Cotton, 1932.

"The tax-cutting frenzy inspired by President Bush earlier this year has produced a predictable result: two misguided, poorly timed tax bills from the House and Senate that will not provide the short-term stimulus the country needs but will almost surely cause economic problems in the future."
-- The New York Times, Sleight of Hand on Capital Hill, Editorial

"To the queen who was upset about me being in an open relationship: Sometimes that is the only way to make things work, especially when there is a generation gap. I remember how I was when I was his age, and trust me, I was not ready to settle down either."
-- Anonymous, in Bitch Session in the NY Blade

"He who works with his hands is a laborer
He who works with his hands and his head
is a craftsman
He who works with his hands, his head and
his heart is an artist"
-- Francis of Assisi

"They think they can get the teachers without the union," she said. "But the teachers are the union; the union is the teachers. There's not a difference these days, and anybody who doesn't understand that, doesn't understand our members."
-- Randi Weingarten, President of the United Federation of Teachers, as quoted in the New York Times.

"I'm not trying to hurt anybody's opportunity to smoke. If you want to, you can do it. You just don't have the right to kill somebody else. That's what secondhand smoking does... We would never tolerate in any working place asbestos or any other thing in the air that hurt people. This hurts people."
-- Michael Bloomberg, as quoted in the New York Post

"This is the best time in my life, the first 80 years are definitely the hardest."
-- Carol Channing, on the occasion of her marriage to Harry Kullijian at age 82 last weekend.

"I do think that young children can spot a phony a mile away."
-- Fred Rogers

"I'd always fantasized about being a mother. Why, I am not certain. Maybe it was because I admired the job my mother was doing. Or maybe it was because I longed for the power only a mother can wield over her offspring. Or maybe it was because somewhere, in the adventure of discovering my sexual identity, I was seeking the height of female experience. There is no argument against motherhood being the definitive female experience, is there?"
-- Harvey Fierstein, in an Op-Ed piece titled All My Children in The New York Times today.

"You can pull all the stops out
Till they call the cops out
Grind your behind till you're bend.
But you gotta get a gimmick
If you wanna get a hand.
You can sacrifice your sacharo
Working in the back row.
Bump in a dump till you're dead.
Kid you gotta have a gimmick
If you wanna get ahead."
-- Mazeppa, as played by Kate Buddeke in Gypsy on Broadway. Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.

"Someone told me that you have to regularly massage your scalp [to keep from going bald], so I do that all the time. You look like a jerk but it's got to be worth a shot, right?"
-- Jon Bon Jovi

"Our mission is to get the average penis out to the people. We wanted to show that the penis exists in all variations..."
-- Genevieve Hardeberg, of the world's first Penis Museum in Norway, as quoted in the New York Post.

"The past is the present, isn't it?... It's the future, too. We all try to lie out of that, but life won't let us."
-- Mary Tyrone as played by Vanessa Redgrave in Broadway's Long Day's Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill.

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."
-- Bill Maher, on Broadway in Victory Begins at Home

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour, a three hour tour………
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Minnow would be lost; the Minnow would be lost.
The ship took ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
with Gilligan, the Skipper too,
the Millionaire, and his Wife,
the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Ann,
here on Gilligan's Isle."
-- George Wyle, Co-writer of The Ballad of Gilligan's Island, who died last Friday at age 87.

"If you wanna make it,
Twinkle while you shake it."
-- Electra, as played by Julie Halston, in current revival if Gypsy on Broadway. Words by Stephen Sondheim.

"I'm a guy's guy. I don't comb my hair unless I have to."
-- Ashton Kutcher, actor, 50 Most Beautiful People 2003, in People magazine.

"I did give the cast a speech: `There's been a lot written about this. Please don't read things and if you do, keep them to yourself and don't get knocked off course."
-- Sam Mendes, director of the revival of Gypsy which opened last night on Broadway

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books,a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
-- Unknown