"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane".

-- Jimmy Buffett


Image from HotSeats.com

"I'm a modern man,
digital and smoke-free;
a man for the millennium.

A diversified, multi-cultural,
post-modern deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded,
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life.
A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art,
bi-coastal multi-tasker,
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;
and my inner child is outward-bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer;
voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database;
my database is in cyberspace;
so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive,
and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet,
pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message,
and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed;
I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up;
you can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer,
I'm an over-achiever;
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home;
low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
prematurely post-traumatic,
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
primary-care giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my e-mail.
And the software on my hard drive
is hard-core—no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped
and vacuum-packed.

And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock;
rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin';
jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt;
and I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out."

-- George Carlin

"Everyone has duties and obligations, so don't make a big issue of whatever it is you are expected to do today. Also, when doing a task you do not much care for don't be tempted to let your standards slip. Not only will it harm your reputation but you will have to do it again later - and if it was boring the first time the second time will be worse."

-- Sally Brompton, today's forecast for Cancerians.

"Part of what comes with the territory of fame is a lot of intrusiveness. But I've got a philosophy about that. You either learn to do it well and handle it or you're a putz."

-- Pat Morita, 1930-2005

"To be happy, is a decision..."

-- Todd Stockman

"Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another".

-- H.L. Mencken

"I'm open to everything... There are moments for soft gentle sex. And there moments for a good spank in the butt."

-- Ricky Martin, Blender magazine.


Image from Nabou.

"Thanksgiving is more important than Santa. Please don't rush past this holiday to get to Christmas".

-- Sophiana Botich, age 6, Crown Point, IN, Northwest Indiana Times.

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under."

-- H.L. Mencken

"Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood".

-- H.L. Mencken

"All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it."

-- H.L. Mencken

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."

-- H.L. Mencken

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

-- Ellen DeGeneres

"Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there".

-- Mickey Friedman

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed."

-- Corita Kent

"Do not wait for ideal circumstances; they will never come".

-- Janet Erskine Stuart

"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there".

-- Will Rogers

"We're all peculiar, aren't we?"

-- Brent Spiner



Image from stng.36el.com

"For men. Friends and more, past, present, and future. You know who you are."

-- Maureen Dowd, dedication to her book, Are Men Necessary?

"Today, I am reminded that life must be accepted for the way it is, and not as I may want it to be. That I must not give up my trust in God at any time. To despair truly does bring forward a dark cloud making it difficult for the light from the almighty to enter. Remembering to stay strong, and accepting the love and kindness of others, rather than isolating myself, is necessary to cope with any pain that one may be feeling. It must also be remembered that one cannot resolve all problems, and that learning how to live with unresolved problems is a wonderful lesson to embrace. From this day foreward, life, as I know it, will be a true roller coaster ride."

-- Barbara from California, Women on the Verge of Thinking.



Image from Madsci.org.

"The trouble with being a giver is that you are very good at giving and having friends who need you. The sorrowful part is that you aren’t very good at finding friends who can be there when you need a listening ear. Too many people confuse the mouth and the ear when it comes to being there for another person. They don’t know how to say 'I hear you. I feel your pain. Don’t give up.' In my case, I listen to my head and say those things under my breath."

-- Joel Sax, Pax Nortona

"We have a president who is basing even legislation on faith-based morality, and yet we invade a country whose whole govermental system is faith-based except that it's their faith and not ours... Why can't we see that that a faith based society, no matter what the faith, is not really a democratic society?"

-- Shirley MacLaine in Interview Magazine.


Image from Ian Miles.

"Sit down and eat yer fuckin' meatballs!"
-- A lady, as overheard by Joe.My.God

"I love it when I see in the paper who's made a complete jack-off of themselves - it amuses me... So, I get it, but at some point at the end of the nineties, studios and insurance companies suddenly started using your private persona to get you a sobriety coach and five hours of fucking Gestalt therapy a week - or we don't pay you."

-- Robert Downey Jr., in Wonder Boy by Logan Hill in New York Magazine.


Image from Dead Bodies Inc.

"We'll bomb, strafe and send missiles against their people even though our security's not directly threatened... This is contrary to international law. It's also contrary to what every president has done in this country for more than 100 years, Democrat or Republican."

-- President Jimmy Carter


Image from CNN.

"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men".

-- Roald Dahl

"I am a fashion God."
-- Michael Brown, former FEMA Director, in e-mails he wrote during the recent New Orleans disaster.

"Brownie, You're doin a heck of a job!"
-- George W. Bush

"Why the f*ck is everyone so dressed up?"

-- Elaine Stritch, at MoMA royal reception for Prince Charles, last night, as quoted by Cindy Adams.

"My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long."

-- Armistead Maupin